Every time I find myself enjoying a Wii game I get to a point in my exuberance where I realise I am a millimetre from strangling myself. Well, all they’ve done is make it easy to get around your head - and your neck. I feel silly with this thing around my wrist and in my hands, which is funny, because Nintendo’s reason for making it was that it’d simplify video game controllers and make them easier for people to get their heads around. It looks like a sexual facilitation instrument used to guarantee impregnation of unicorns. Connect that remote to a Motion Plus accessory and that nunchuk nub and drop the whole bundle on your grandma’s sofa if you want her to have a heart attack when she comes out of the bathroom. I don’t particularly like the controller - it’s got a remote controller wearing a condom connected by a cord to a little runt-banana-sized / -shaped feather-light nub with an analogue stick on it. I don’t like my Wii, and I certainly don’t like your Wii. Let’s put another paragraph between this one and the one where I moan about the Wii not having high-definition graphics. Here it comes - the old “The Wii doesn’t do HD and Zelda doesn’t have voice-acting” argument. Before doing this, I’d like to lay out the hypothesis that I only continued playing this game because I am a long-time fan of the Zelda games and a fan of Zelda dungeon design in general, and that somewhere in my notes is encoded the secret reason why Nintendo is never able to acquire a vast mainstream audience for this series. Instead, let’s dip into the time capsule of my vigorously exclamation-point-riddled notes on the subject of the game’s opening six hours. If I wanted, I could delve into my brain and compose a beautifully-organized portrait of what I enjoyed about the game. Yes in that the game did get better no in that The Same Old Things kept driving me nuts (luckily for me, I am already nuts). Did I stop finding things to criticize? Yes and no. This is interesting, because I am usually thorough in my critical note-taking while playing a video game. When I look at the notes I took while playing The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword, I notice that the notes cease to exist around the discovery of the second dungeon. That’s how I feel about the user interface hiccups in The Legend of Zelda: they’re weird and I don’t like them, though they don’t stop me from living an active life. Either way, the point is that this person is Just Trying To Be Helpful and really Has Nowhere Else To Go. Sometimes they’re dishes he got dirty, and sometimes they’re not. Then, when you’re at work during the day, he vacuums your carpet or washes your dishes. If you stick with them long enough, they become like that house guest who asks you inappropriate questions while you’re working (“Hey, do you think my ex-girlfriend from high school has boobs now that she’s married and has a kid?” (one from my actual experience of suffering houseguests)) and snores or mouth-breathes deep into the night. The Legend of Zelda games, you see, start out as grandma’s way of tricking you into taking out the trash. Then, at some point, there I am, shutting up and enjoying myself - mostly enjoying the sparkling, intelligent parts of the level design. Zelda games are a bit of a weird one for me, because I can’t stop bleating out obsessive groans about the user interface for darn near the first third of the experience. If you’re still with me: hi! I played The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword all week, and had me a good old time doing so. And anyone commenting that they love the game as much as I do didn’t read beyond the first sentence. So anyone commenting under the impression that I am a jerk on accident clearly didn’t read beyond the first paragraph. Here’s me, in paragraph number two, admitting that I don’t really hate the game. oh, man! Usually it’s not until some point buried deep within the labyrinth of one of these articles that I admit I’m being a jerk on purpose and just trying to get a rise out of people. The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword is my one of my favourite games released in 2011.
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